Public (un)Safety Announcement

I heard an MTA announcement today on the subway that said, “Keep your money in your sights at all times.” That’s verbatim, people.

And, I guess the real message here would be something along these lines:

“Know where your money is at all times” or

“Be cognizant of your wallet’s location at all times” or

“Occasionally discreetly check for your wallet” or

“Don’t let people steal your shit” or

“If you check for your wallet, people will likely target you as a tourist, thus rendering this whole wallet-checking exercise pretty useless.”

Certainly the writer of this PSA should have realized that if my money is always in MY sights, it’s most definitely also in the sights of the very thieves i’m trying to protect it from? You’d think with all the out of work white collar folks milling about New York, the MTA could hire someone with writing ability to keep the public safe via announcements. But hey, cuts happen everywhere.

And besides, we can pick out tourists without them anxiously checking their fanny packs every few minutes.

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Things That Could Have Been Avoided

For years now I’ve been telling my friends and family someday I’m going to have a guard lion or tiger or bear that will be sweet and domesticated for me, but deadly to unwanted intruders.

I realized, though, that having a pet bear to roll around and wrestle with was a silly pipe dream that would never really happen - largely because the bear would kill me.

It’s the same reason my mom wouldn’t let me get a pet boa constrictor when I was a kid. “The snake doesn’t know you’re not food,” she would say. And, sure, she was right. The snake (when fully grown) would likely view sleeping-me as just another helpless victim, crush me, and ingest me whole, as giant boas are wont to do.

A pet bear would also likely see me as something to attack, no matter how much I loved it and let it roam free throughout my house. The pet bear would probably be even more likely to attack me if I kept it stuck in a cage.

This woman, rest her soul, seemed not to think through the potential repercussions of actually having a pet bear. Or lion. Or tiger. Read about it here.

SERIOUSLY?! Killed by pet bear? No kidding. Here’s how this could have been avoided: DON’T GET A BEAR FOR A PET.

NY,NY

Oh, Hold On. Let Me Try My OTHER Phone

Today I saw a man at the pharmacy walk up to the register to check out. He was texting/typing on his blackberry, wearing a blue tooth headset, and proudly displaying a second cell phone on a holster clip on his belt. Normally, this blatant overuse of cellular devices would just be a bit annoying and might cause me to scoff or laugh at this person.

BUT

This cell phone maniac then proceeded to purchase a bunch of candy … WITH FOOD STAMPS!!

Really, guy?! You have a blackberry, a cell phone, a blue tooth AND you want to pay with food stamps?! Get the hell out of here. I had no idea food stamps could pay a cell phone bill. Give me a freaking break. If you’re going to cheat the system like that, at least put some effort into it.

Future Me Must Own A Delorean

Have you ever run into or seen someone out in the world and thought: I wonder if that person is ME … from the future…

And then, just as you’re about to ask a question that only future you would know (because you’ve obviously thought about this before and have a question at the ready…) you come to a terrible realization.

You CAN’T ask!

That would completely screw up the space/time continuum, ending all life as we know it (or something like that) - and you certainly don’t want that hanging over your head.

So now you’re left not knowing…

… unless you try really hard to remember this moment in future, but, as you are wont to do, you forget. Until you see past you and remember. That would really blow your future mind…

New Blogging Venture

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